You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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