My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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