Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
