I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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