So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
