He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
