Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
