I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
