"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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