I think I am morally bankrupt
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize