Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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