I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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