if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
