my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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