The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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