Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
