Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Mom said you looked used
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
