one two three fourrrrnication!
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
