We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize