so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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