Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
