why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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