I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
