Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
