I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
