im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You smell like a Billy Joel song
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
