I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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