$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
And then he peed in my hair
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