Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
