my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
