Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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