Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
