They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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