Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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