my phone needs a breathalizer
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
