It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
