A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize