My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
