Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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