o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
