if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
