first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize