i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
