he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
