I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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