Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
