I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
