who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
