Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
