i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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