i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My ass is underappreciated
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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