He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I have feelings that need drinking.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
