Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
