Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
did i just pee glitter
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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