She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
