JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
