you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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