don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
