Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
