I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
