i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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