saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
