So drunk its hurt
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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